Community icon

Dad Jokes

[email protected]

Hot Top New Active
Posts Comments
List Tile Wide tile

Please post edgier jokes to the new Uncle Jokes community

by

I just updated the sidebar. As a rule of thumb, if you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old, you should probably post it to the new community [email protected]

1
12

Post text, images, or direct links only

by

Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

0
3

Saw this little guy in France, can you guess in which city?

by

it was in... (click to reveal the answer)Oui-Ville ๐Ÿ˜Ž

13
64

After years of research, scientists finally found the smallest grizzly that ever existed.

by

It was the bear minimum.

1
43

Must have happened while camping ... because it's past tents.

by
8
390

Gesundheit

by
22
836

What do you call a man with a rubber toe from Paris, Texas?

by

Le Tex

4
21

I tricked a poor business man to sell me his soul.

by

Unfortunately, the soul is a green 2016 Kia from his dealership.

4
72

How do you eat a data centre?

by

One byte at a time

7
131

Did you know Taylor Swift was named after Albert Einstein?

by

Yeah, a 110 years after.

8
108

Meanwhile...

by

Cross-posted from "Meanwhile..." by @[email protected] in [email protected]

1
215
1

Two cargo ships collided in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. One was carrying red paint and one was carrying blue paint.

by

The crews of both ships were marooned.

14
90

If I let the dip spoil, is it considered hummuscide?

by
3
46

On average how many puns get a laugh?

by

One pun in ten did.

8
87

A virus is making people forget 80's rock bands

by

Nobody knows The Cure.

27
238

Cowboys in the Wild West were pioneers

by
4
264
1

It doesn't seem fair to me that mothers have two special days in the year and fathers only have one.

by

I mean, fathers have Father's Day, while mothers have Mother's Day and Labour Day.

6
72

I feel so sorry for children with gay dads.

by

They're never gonna be able to live up to their dads' sense of style. ๐Ÿ˜”

12
9

If you wear cowboy clothes...

by

... you are ranch dressing.

3
122

No less

by
10
518

On average, humans have more bones in their neck than giraffes

by

Most humans don't have any giraffes in their necks at all!

15
292

Haiku for you...

by
10
79

I knew a guy who got a little too into the hokey pokey

by

He turned himself around.

9
88

I love my workout

by

Itโ€™s breathtaking

0
37

Greater cheese

by
2
223

Why after Napoleon died he had to be put back together?

by

Because he is Napoleon bone-a-part....

2
30

Why do some birds regurgitate their food?

by

Because they're mother falcon birds!

3
17

Fish Hammer

by
9
454

Yeah this one's maybe too bad even for here...

by
15
457

Chicken salad

by
13
436
1

Remember to knock before opening the fridge!

by

There could be a salad dressing!

4
135

On this very special day, ask you self "What would Jesus do?"

by

Don't do that

16
49

I stepped on the scale, guess how many pounds

by

::: spoiler pun Zero, we use dollars in the USA :::

1
-16

I wonder how many male, middle aged US filmmakers regularly call it a "director's cut" when carving up the thanksgiving turkey for their family.

by

I mean, I would. Every year, all the time.

0
60

Is it possible for a dad who makes terrible puns to learn how to throw ninja stars?

by

Sure he can!

7
141

Shout out to all the people wondering what the opposite of in is

by
6
250

An imam, a priest, and a rabbit enter a blood clinic. The nurse asked the rabbit his blood type. "I'm probably a type o," he said.

by
21
426

It's not a dad joke unless it's a bad joke.

by
8
10

What do you call a Linux user who only browses the Web using Lynx?

by

Terminally online.

5
115

Did you hear Hooters is going bankrupt? But they are trying a new strategy a door to door service?

by

It's called Knockers.

13
178

Something-mology

by

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/35289568

9
305
2

When Life Gives you a Lemon ...

by
When Life Gives you a Lemon ...
11
127

Where Do Bad Rainbows Go?

by

To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

2
122

My favorite jokes

by

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.zip/post/35041212

12
207
1

Today I learnedโ€ฆ

by

โ€ฆ that everybody who confuses correlation with causation winds up dying.

3
59

They aren't rewriting history

by
1
101

How the mitey have fallen

by
9
126

Why do we only have garbage?

by

Yeah, why only garbeige?

5
27

The most dangerous element is the element of surprise

by

I hear itโ€™s quite reactive

5
47

After that great night's sleep, you can call me Wayne Knight.

by

Because I'm feeling like a Newman!

0
13

A big hole was dug at the police station

by

Theyโ€™re currently looking into it.

2
121

Be afraid of O!

by

Why are all numbers and letters afraid of O?

2
-23

TIL that Stephen King has a son, Joseph.

by

I'm not joking โ€ฆ

22
161

Generational Humor or Dad Joke?

by

cross-posted from: https://infosec.pub/post/25404788

13
387
1

Why did the man marry the baker?

by

Because he was after her dough.

5
57

This joke is full of holes

by
9
484

Just found out that my doctor is a huge transphobe.

by

She's really adamant that I avoid trans fats.

5
24

I lost a lot of money on a bet and can't pay up.

by

Now I'm scared the bookie-man is going to get me.

4
42

Rolling

by
1
171

We just adopted our local blacksmith's cat.

by

When we got it home it made a bolt for the door.

6
211

What do Finnish people brew coffee with when they're angry?

by

PERKELEtor

5
53

History is funny that way

by

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26861649

6
288
1

Wife called about a fox

by
23
967

I bought a lemon from a rude, arrogant farmer.

by

.It left a sour taste in my mouth.

3
27

You know what really frosts my behind?

by

Answer o _ /\ A snow cone about this high. / |

2
15

Why did the maggot graduate from maggot school?

by

spoilerHe was the instar pupa.

0
-4

Went to see the doctor because Iโ€™m not sleeping well lately. I just spend most of the night eating.

by

He said Iโ€™ve got insomnomnomnomnia.

1
105

A Dad text

by
11
674
1

Sound Check

by

(obviously you'll need to turn sound on - I promise it is not a rickroll)

1
56

What type of content did the farmer make when he joined social media?

by

spoilerGrainrot

2
17

Should I have a kid after 35?

by

spoiler Eh, probably not. 35 kids is plenty.

1
141

Come on, come on, come on, come on, now stop me, babe.

by
5
357

You can easily check if a German child has multiplicated correctly with a simple method(but there's a 11% chance of a false positive)

by

It's called "casting out neins"

0
-4

Linux is not magic.

by

It's sudo science.

24
342

After many hours of failed attempts, I finally drove a spike through my window.

by

It was a pane staking effort.

6
116

BONG

by

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/18754816

5
336

Where do bad rainbows go? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ๐ŸŒˆ

by

To prism.

9
277

Why do Norway's naval vessels have bar codes on the bottom?

by

So when they return to port they can just Scandinavian.

4
182

Which U.S. president applied for the position online?

by

Abraham LinkedIn.

8
78

My friend said I had nice knuckles

by

I thought, "that's a back-handed compliment"

2
117

0mg

by
8
293
1

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German went to see a show...

by

The four of them went to see a man on stage. The problem is, the stage was a bit high, so they might have trouble seeing him. As the man went on stage, he said, "Can you see me?" They all replied:

5
141

Techinally the truth

by

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/32766221

11
461
1

What's the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?

by

Just leave the pizza in the oven.

12
121

I know my jokes are bad. But at the end of the day

by

it's night.

5
162

Why are balloons so expensive nowadays?

by

Inflation.

8
127

Why are 3D glasses a useful tool for reasoning about complex problems?

by

They put things into perspective.

1
33

Too much work

by
5
423
1

Street vendor

by

A guy walks up to a street vendor and asks, โ€œWhatโ€™s on the menu?โ€

4
17

A job well done

by
10
580

Do you know which band made it to the top?

by

The blouse brothers

1
24

Before crowbars were invented, crows simply drank at home.

by
7
212

Bogged down with idealism

by

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/24960555

3
202
1

I work in quality control at a scissors company

by

I have to reject any that donโ€™t make the cut.

9
112

I'm finally writing a dad joke about herbs.

by

It's about thyme.

9
135

It's too good tuba true

by
34
446

No lies detected

by
2
415

What happens when you don't obey they KGB?

by

You get Putin jail.

9
50

Opening the microwave to retrieve my sandwich: "Ow! This is hot!"

by

If I heated it up any longer, it would be a glasswich.

23
133

Excel-sior!

by

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/24914135

2
335
1