The Onion

Paukenschlag: USA treten aus der Erde aus!

Meta's new "Always-On" policy aims to eliminate wasteful trips to actual restrooms

President-elect Donald Trump has expressed his interest in buying Greenland, an idea he first floated back in 2019. The Onion examines the pros and cons of the U.S. acquiring the country.

“We have intercepted electronic communication indicating that al-Qaeda members are actively plotting to stay out of the way while America as we know it gradually crumbles under the weight of its own self-inflicted debt and disrepair,” FBI Deputy Director Mark F. Giuliano told the assembled press corps. “If this plan succeeds, it will leave behind a nation with a completely dysfunctional economy, collapsing infrastructure, and a catastrophic health crisis afflicting millions across the nation. We want to emphasize that this danger is very real.”

the Onion is having a pretty nice day right now.

Git History Reveals Midnight Copy-Paste from uBlock Origin

This is one of the best Onion articles ever. Read the whole thing.

Posted by Clickhole on IG

"I can't look at the year, the idea of a date being '25' makes me want to throw up."

Investigation reveals overseas engagement service coincidentally offline during cricket match

For anyone out of the loop: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Carter_rabbit_incident

Finance Team Discovers $4.2M Mistakenly Sent to Actual Artists Instead of Shell Accounts

Finance Team Discovers $4.2M Mistakenly Sent to Actual Artists Instead of Shell Accounts

thought this was satire, not sure.

Virgo (August 23 to September 22):

Traffic Plummets as Search Tool Enforces Basic Reading Comprehension

"Mit diesem Sprung werde ich weltweit auf politischen Bühnen auftreten und Parteien wie die AfD oder Reform UK zum Endsieg führen", so Musk. "Genau wie bei Trump in den USA. Make UK Great Again! Germany Over Everything!"

“This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, pressed play, and, instead of sending the audio to my headphones, broadcast it via our national public warning system to over 340 million Americans,” said Gilroy

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas.

NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take a step back and remember who I’m doing it for,” said Lipcot, tearing up as he pointed at the image and stated that “this guy, this guy right here” was the reason for everything he did. “This job can be a real grind sometimes, but when I look at this picture and see that face smiling back at me, I realize it’s all worth it to make that fella happy,” he added. “After all, in the long run, the one thing that really matters is my ability to make lots and lots of money.” Lipcot added that the photo also reminded him to get home from work at a decent hour so that he could make sure he was spending plenty of quality time with himself.

Cancer (June 21 to July 22):

Because I'm sick of seeing the same trite "how is this satire" comments every time I post in this community, I've decided to start including the definition for everyone:

Patients Must Disprove Facebook Mom Groups Before Receiving Care

OTTAWA - After disgraced professor and beef enthusiast Jordan Peterson announced yesterday that he had moved to Florida due to the Canadian government's allegedly woke fascist policies, Justin Trudeau immediately issued a statement saying that his 2025 election campaign slogan will be "I Got Jordan Peterson to Leave."

Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21):