The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Whale vocalizations, or “whale songs,” have long fascinated biologists and nature lovers alike, but while it’s been theorized that the hauntingly beautiful “music” some whales produce aids in sexual selection, there hasn’t been a clear consensus as to its purpose. Well, all of that just changed, as marine biologists have revealed that whale songs are the whale equivalent of online hate speech.

Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard,” Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said to a Chinese trade representative, later explaining to reporters that the Trump administration hoped to shore up America’s complete set of the original 151 and was willing to part with its most sophisticated machine-learning processors to achieve that goal.

Following the approval by state legislators of a bill that declares every human sperm has a God-given soul, a new measure signed into law Tuesday requires women in Alabama to leave semen on their lower backs for a full nine months. “Today marks a triumph in our fight for the right of men to cum on women’s backs and keep it there,” said Gov. Kay Ivey, explaining that the law, which also bans the sale of tissue paper that could be used to wipe ejaculate off the lower spine, was essential to protect the sanctity of seminal loads.

In a dramatic reversal of recent polls showing a decline in the president’s approval ratings during his first 100 days in office, new surveys confirmed Tuesday that President Donald Trump’s support was surging after he pointed a gun at all 340 million Americans. “Ever since Trump pulled out a loaded handgun and menacingly swept its muzzle across the entire American populace, he’s seen a massive bump in favorability on everything from his handling of the economy to his views on immigration,” said Gallup polling analyst Eric Waltman, adding that Trump’s numbers had seen a particularly sharp spike after he fired a shot into the air to show that “he means business.”

Explaining that such items constituted a veritable uniform for the notorious criminal organization, FBI director Kash Patel claimed Monday that gavels and black gowns were sufficient evidence to tie an individual to the MS-13 gang. “For decades, MS-13 thugs have identified themselves by wearing black gowns and carrying around wooden hammers with which they could enact their sick sense of gangland justice,” said Patel, who urged U.S. citizens to remain vigilant and immediately report such suspects to authorities so they could be detained and deported.

Additional context for those outside of womboland: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Working_With_Children_Check

Calling such concern for linguistic precision a clear indicator of a thriving country, a panel of historians from Yale University issued a statement Thursday announcing that quibbling over the exact definition of a concentration camp was a sign of a healthy society. “Studies of the past tell us that nitpicking the particular semantics of the term ‘concentration camp’ as they pertain to a place the government is actively sending people with no criminal history is highly associated with national stability,” said historian Kristen Boyd, who added that the more pedantic one’s reasoning for a facility not fully satisfying the criteria for a true concentration camp, the better that bodes for a country’s future.

In what experts are calling a “bold step of doing the bare minimum” the six-person, all-female crew on the Blue Origin NS-31 mission have solved centuries of gender inequality.

Education Secretary mistakes computational cognition for condiments in technological catastrophe

We now have more than 8,000 locations, but in many ways, we’re still that same little shop on the corner [that in the current market would be boarded up within 12 months, leaving its bankrupt owner hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt].”

Emotional Surveillance System Aims to Preempt Conscience-Driven Disruptions

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help customers living in areas with little or no access to abortion care, Clearblue announced Monday that its pregnancy tests sold in the U.S. market would now come with a flight voucher in case the result was positive.

In response to Trump, the Trade Federation has launched a full-scale invasion of the peaceful planet Naboo — just 48 hours after U.S. President Donald J. Trump enacted sweeping 25% tariffs on the interstellar shipping and trade conglomerate.

US Vice President JD Vance says he is shocked to hear that penguins living on The Heard and McDonald Islands 1500km north of Antarctica are yet to show gratitude for Donald Trump’s decision to reverse tariffs in the region.

Gamers rejoiced today as top heads of the video game industry, in conjunction with every other industry in the world, announced a modern re-release of the cult classic title The Great Depression.

In a press junket addressing the finale of the HBO series, White Lotus actor Patrick Schwarzenegger told reporters Tuesday he had grown worried that his role in the show would leave him typecast as a hand job recipient. “I’m just concerned that directors will look at me from now on and think that all I can do on screen is be given tug jobs,” said Schwarzenegger, who bemoaned the fact that every script his agent had sent his way in recent weeks had pigeonholed him as a character who is masturbated to climax by another character.

Warning that even the slightest dent, knick, or scratch would henceforth be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that Raymond Pratt, a 54-year-old resident of Chula Vista, CA who bumped a Tesla while parallel parking, had been sentenced to death. “Let me be clear: This man, who attempted to park on the street and damaged the rear bumper of a Model 3, is a domestic terrorist who deserves to die,” said Bondi, adding that the United States now had a zero tolerance policy against people like Pratt, who gently bumped a Tesla, exited his 2018 Hyundai Elantra to inspect the electric vehicle for any damage, and—though he found none—left a note apologizing to the owner just in case.

As part of a sweeping overhaul of the building’s plumbing system, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly ordered the removal of sinks Tuesday from all bathrooms in the Department of Health and Human Services headquarters. “People across the world lived for thousands of years without sinks, and they were just fine—healthier, even,” said Kennedy, who noted that the cuts would not only save taxpayers thousands of dollars in maintenance and water bills each year, but be better for the environment as well.

Decrying the deportation as “wholly lawless,” U.S. District Judge Paula Xinis ruled Monday that the Trump administration had three days to return her to the United States from a Salvadoran prison or face contempt of court charges. “Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents had no legal basis upon which to send me, a U.S. citizen and federal official, to one of the most notorious prisons in the Western Hemisphere,” said Xinis, banging on the walls of her cell in a controversial holding facility in Tecoluca, El Salvador, where she was sent on the basis of an “administrative error” that classified the Yale Law School graduate and sitting judge as a suspected member of the MS-13 gang.

Americans are not sure they can handle all of the winning that has occurred since Donald Trump became President, it has emerged.

Noting the volatility of various retirement products and the long-term uncertainty of global markets, financial advisor Michael Reynolds recommended Tuesday that investors always keep one bullet in the chamber, just in case. “Even if you’re a more conservative investor who keeps most of your savings in bonds and money market accounts, it just makes a lot of sense to have a round locked and loaded at all times in the event of a major financial market disruption,” said Reynolds, who stressed the importance of maxing out yearly IRA contributions and regularly cleaning and oiling the barrel.

All speech is — metaphorically and literally — code. By this, I mean it is a message you must decipher using clues and context, yes, but it is also the programming code that drives the game of humanity. When a friend explains the plot of a movie to you, your brain takes that code, unscrambles it, and executes it into a set of moving images playing in your mind. Your friend, thus, is your brain’s programmer, and the quality of the movie that plays in your head is dependent on your friend’s skill as a coder. This is why friends are so powerful and dangerous.

New "Ad Camouflage" feature replaces Grandma with Grubhub, seamlessly

In an effort to comfort the child by telling her the funds had gone to a far better place, local parents Blake and Allison McKee gently explained to their daughter Friday that their money was in heaven now, sources confirmed. “Honey, the reason we’re sitting you down today is because even though our life savings isn’t with us anymore, you don’t need to be scared, because it’s now up in the sky where the angels live,” said Allison McKee, putting her arms around a sobbing 10-year-old Harper McKee and assuring her that while their wealth wasn’t coming back, it was smiling down on them from the clouds.

In response to market panic about his new wide-ranging tariffs, President Donald Trump reportedly offered Wall Street assurance Friday that he would soon go back to just fucking over poor people. “While my trade policy might cause some temporary hardships for investors, it’s ultimately intended to completely fucking destroy the livelihoods of the financially destitute,” said Trump, urging calm by insisting that big banks, hedge funds, and other major players should take a longer-term view to understand that his tariffs were necessary to increase widespread suffering among the impoverished.

Local man Don has told shopping centre security that he did not attack Coles by stealing an entire shopping cart full of groceries, claiming that he was simply balancing a trade deficit.

American manufacturers will be slapped with an extra 34% charge on the little stickers they put on their products to show they are made in the USA.

FYI: Trump imposed tariffs on an island which only has penguins and seals as permanent inhabitants

Responding to reports that 15 rescue workers in Gaza were killed execution style and buried in a mass grave, Israel claimed this week that the slain Palestinians did not properly identify themselves as human. “Unfortunately, upon their encounter with IDF soldiers, these Palestinians provided no documentation indicating they were sentient beings entitled to basic rights,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who stated that even after reviewing the situation, his government couldn’t find any credentials to support assertions that the team of Palestinian paramedics and emergency responders possessed a shared humanity.

In a move that shook global markets and surprised even some supporters, President Donald Trump announced major tariffs on all products made outside the United States, entirely intended as retaliation for the death of beloved film star Val Kilmer.

Not sure what Trudeau is really worth at this point.

Faced with one final test before his admission to the criminal organization, gang initiate Hector Gunnerson was reportedly forced to peacefully deescalate a conflict Thursday to prove that he was not a cop. “I know Big Mike vouched for you, but before you can run with the Riverside Boys, we need to make sure you’re not an undercover,” said gang leader Butch ‘Mad Dog’ Tucker, who nodded for one of his men to start a verbal altercation with another gang member so that Gunnerson could either help amicably resolve the dispute or violently escalate it, depending on his instincts.

Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”

The recent declassification of all records relating to President John F. Kennedy’s assassination has revealed that the event was motivated entirely by Lee Harvey Oswald’s lifelong obsession with violent video games, historians announced.

In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals.

Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm.

Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context.

In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did.

The nation’s ongoing housing crisis has taken a disturbing ecological turn, with experts confirming that slugs now outnumber snails at an unprecedented rate.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.

In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs in most recipes,” said a USDA spokesperson, citing the practice as a popular method of food preparation that dates back to the Great Depression, when many Americans had nothing on hand in the pantry, making hunger a practical alternative for many meals.

Tech CEO's response to burning Teslas includes plans to "optimize" firefighting industry out of existence

Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to keep him in power. “Whoa, he must have some real bad dirt on the U.S. populace for them to just let him get away with so much unconscionable bullshit. You have to wonder what he knows,” said billions of world inhabitants outside of President Trump’s jurisdiction

NASA astronauts Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Suni Williams have successfully returned to Earth, but have been told they will need to say ‘thank you’ to the new President and Vice President before they will be released from their capsule.

After months of defending his country from their unending attacks, President ‘Peacemaker’ Putin has agreed to a ceasefire deal he called the “Netanyahu Accords”.

An American Trump supporter on a spiritual trip to his ancestral homeland has been left stunned after discovering what the Irish version of a ‘Republican’ is.

Revolutionary technology creates cars that exist only on government rebate forms

“What’s incredible is that this creep got away with it for so long: Every day, he was out there in public, expressing his own convictions, as every U.S. resident—citizen or noncitizen—has done since our nation’s founding. Thankfully, we got a tip about posts he had made on social media suggesting he might be the sort of freak who spends time conveying his beliefs to others without fear of retribution from a tyrannical government, possibly because that practice is expressly enshrined in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. This guy was sick, really sick.

And that was 25 years ago.

Stunning Level Of Expertise On Team Revealed